When the wife arrived home late this evening the first thing she did was to start playing with my wenis. It is pretty dry and cracked so it feels pretty good when she starts rubbing it but she did so in front of the children. Is that legal?
Sometimes she plays with my wenis in public as well. It makes me nervous when she plays with my body parts in front of other people.
Sometimes I will rub it with this thing in the shower that's got like a sandpaper substance on it to get rid of the built up skin. Then I put moisturizer on it.
I hate it when my damned wenis gets all dried out, but the elbow is a tough part of your body so it can take a bit of abuse...
I don't do much with the LOLCats. I mean hey, they are funny and all but who gives a fuck. I can got to any of 5,000 web sites right now and see them. I came across what has to be the creepiest fucking LOLCat ever...
Sorry if the site was screwed up for a little while. I managed to hose some of the code in my header and it caused everything to disappear. Shit happens. It's fixed.
I should be in bed by now but I made the mistake of lying down for a short nap around 4PM this afternoon. Apparently my ten year old came in and asked me at some point what time I wanted to get up and I must have told her not to wake me up. BAD mistake. She let me sleep until the phone rang at seven. I may end up drugging myself tonight just so I can go to sleep. As opposed to drugging myself so I can stay awake I guess :) You know what they say though, sleep is just a cheap caffeine substitute...
I posted this review yesterday for something called the Cabin Cuddler that is basically a travel blanket and pillow. They are like $30 or so. Not too bad considering that you can't get a damn blanket when you fly half the time now.
So I'm over at CNN today and notice in the Money section that now Jetblue is going to charge people $7 that want a pillow and blanket. fuck. Makes that cabin cuddler thing more worth it. Then again, I prefer driving anyway if it's within twelve hours...
I am assuming that you get to keep the "eco-friendly" pillow and blanket from JetBlue so we'll have to see what kind of quality it is compared to the ones I reviewed.
One never knows when you might need a bit of help in case of a Zombie outbreak and of course I would prefer to have my friend Eric, he who hates Zombies, by my side.
I came across this Zombie Survival Quiz and knew I had to post a link. I scored a Z+ on the damned thing. Made a good grade on all portions except emotional integrity. Something about having no problem killing a friend that was turned into a Zombie...
...when she's dead I mean. The other can wait till lights out!
So we're watching this show on National Geographic Channel about what people do with their pets when they are dead.
Fucking creepy I'll tell you.
There's this one chick who's dog died so she had her dog stuffed and now it sits on the couch...
I figure if I outlive my wife (not fucking likely) I will have a taxidermist fix her up sitting on the couch with the remote. It'll need to randomly change the channel every five minutes and then I would have to get a recording that says "get the fuck off the computer" to get it right...
...
So then they show this chick that's a taxidermist. She has mounted (no pun intended) 40 of her pets over the last nine years. 40 pets? Christ, sounds like Jefferey Dahmer, doggy style.
She freezes the pets for a few years before she stuffs them. They showed her sticking one into the freezer. It was packed full of dead animals. I was just wondering if maybe her ex-husband was at the bottom of the pile somewhere.
When I think that I or anyone in my family is weird or freaky I need but turn the TV on or get on the Internet and read for about five minutes about some of the sick fucks out there to feel better.
...
Now they are talking about domesticated monkeys. There's this place that takes monkeys that turn on their owners (they are wild animals after all). Fuck that. My dog mauls one of my children it's not making it out of the house alive much less to some cage...
Some of theses folks they are showing that own wild animals are damned retards. They must have missed the day on infectious diseases and losing fingers.
Think that was bad? How about this exercise routine...
Damn!
I hope you haven't eaten lately.
Apparently I had just enough Absinthe to leave a slight buzzing in my head. I am also not the only sick fucker around either. I found both of these videos over at My Blog Rules Your Ass! I think I'm gonna have to add this one to the blogroll. This guy's gotta come to a blogmeet and have a few....
When I went beer shopping for the cookout last week my eyes happened to fall on one of those little bottles that sit upon the counter at checkout. Absinthe. or Abseenthe I think is the brand name.
I had to work second shift today in order to cut out some payroll and as I am sitting here wide awake but need to be up at four AM I decided I would medicate myself and try the absinthe. I am here to tell you that it is some evil nasty foul shit that smells as if it leaked from my bunghole after a week of binge drinking. Damn!
Licorice. I hate fucking licorice. It tasted just as bad as it smells, even after following directions and dissolving cold water over a sugar cube. Of course I had to substitute a spoonful of sugar for the cube and absinthe spoon but I don't think that having the right accoutrements would have helped much. I did manage to sip a bit but then poured the rest into my lawn when I went out for a smoke. 110 proof. not quite rubbing alcohol but it certainly tasted like it.
Then look no farther than the Santiago, Chile subway. Monserrat Morrilles thinks that Chilean society is too prudish and conservative and she has set out to change that by stripping on the subway. Your morning commute has never been so exciting :)
This Garbage Spewed by Richard on July 14, 2008 12:17 AM
The wife has been experimenting the last couple of days with some recipes from Food Network or something along those lines. Check this out...
Looks like someone took a crap on my kitchen counter. I don't know what all is in them but cocoa is involved for sure. I was quite hesitant to eat it but being the coward loving husband I am I tried one. I always try things the wife makes unless it involves squash.
Something happened this afternoon that brought back a humorous memory. This is one of those 'had to be there' things that just sort of happen. My friend Madame Foo will remember it as did my wife.
A few years back we attended a funeral for a friend of mine during our teenage years. If I recall, he hung himself. Probably faced with future prospects of having to vote between Obama-McCain no doubt.
Anyhow I drove to the funeral. I don't remember who was in the car with us besides Madame Foo and the wife, it might have been Michelle. We are driving down the road and all of a sudden Madame Foo starts hollering "bird in the road, bird in the road, DEAD BIRD IN THE ROAD" as I ran over the fucking thing. We all rolled down the road cackling at the top of our lungs, because that's what death does for you. Humor is always a good way to deal with it. Told you you had to be there.
Anyhow, The wife and girls came up to one of my restaurants and met Bou and the boys for lunch today as she was passing through our area. Actually it was out of her way but it was nice to see her since I will most likely not be able to get off of work until 2PM Sunday and will therefore miss the little get-together Elisson is planning.
Focus...focus....don't derail the train of thought.
So the wife leaves the girls with me and goes grocery shopping. I was almost finished with work and had just planned on heading home. Once we arrived the girls set themselves up on the computer while I decided to take a much needed nap (I will explain why it was so needed shortly). When she got home she called and asked us to come outside and help bring the groceries in, and oh by the way, I needed to bring my camera with me and see what was stuck in the grill of my car...
Brown Smasher...er, Thrasher. The poor fuck never had a chance. It had it's little head tucked beneath it's wing as if it ducked at the last moment while saying "oh FUCK!". Luckily there was no dead bird goo for me to clean off of the car. A nice clean kill. What better for roadkill stew? It never even touched the ground. Alas, I chucked the body into one of my gardens for the scavengers to fight over amongst themselves. As soon as I saw it I thought "Dead bird in the road" and repeated it to my wife while the girls, who weren't even born around the original incident, looked at us stupidly. I didn't show them my latest victim of course. There's only so much a five-year-old can take.
Just call me Bird Killer. Gotta get a T-Shirt...
This Garbage Spewed by Richard on July 11, 2008 4:31 PM
I am in a terrible mood this afternoon. Not just a bad mood, but an extremely ugly mood. Pissed off at the world. The kind of mood that makes you want to snatch someone's scrotum out and shove it down their throat. Or just write about it.
That kind of ugly mood.
There doesn't seem to be any particular reason for it, although there were a couple of minor things that set me off. Nothing I am going to go into though.
No, I prefer to sit here and revel in my pissed off at the world mood and imagine beating someone's head in with a bat. Preferably someone that's not much use to society. Like politicians or the IRS. Speaking of the IRS, they can just suck my left nut. Just the left one though. I wouldn't want them to get too much enjoyment out of it and they've already sucked the blood of the rest of everything anyway.
So what do you do to get out of your bad mood?
...
So I'm not in quite such a foul mood anymore. Not overtly angry anyway. I made myself a pot of coffee and stepped outside for a smoke. I am still not my overly chipper (yeah right!) self at the moment but I don't feel like strangling puppies anymore.
While I was outside my neighbor across the street was also outside. He's not allowed to smoke inside either I guess. They are pretty cool. They also happen to be the only one's right around here that I know. We aren't getting together on the weekends and barbecuing but we speak when we are outside. It's more a matter of timing than anything as far as doing anything. They came over for one of our parties last year and this last one I think I just didn't run into them to invite them. Nobody has lived in the house next to us for over nine months now and the one on the other side that our friends moved out of, the Addams Family just moved in yesterday. We are friends with a few families in the subdivision and our kids play together, but I really don't know my neighbors well.
That's not a good thing and I think it's indicative of our society as a whole. We don't have neighbors anymore, just people we wave too. People are so transient, not working in their communities, moving constantly. I don't feel like that's a good thing. Something's missing.
Crap, now I'm getting all taciturn. Fuck this, I've got other stuff to do.
I left work around a quarter till two this afternoon to head for the grocery store and pick up a few vittles for this fine Fourth of July. A nice thick tenderloin, red onion to grill up in garlic butter and a six pack of Corona. I love Sam Adams but it's just too fucking hot for it right now. The wife and girls are out of town again. They left the house around four this morning and headed to Panama City Beach with a couple of friends and their children. All total four adults, seven kids. Fuck that noise. I will miss the hell out of my family but I won't miss the other ones. I would be pulling my hair out after a couple of hours.
So here I sit listening to net radio, some '80s hair band station, and relaxing. Hopefully I won't have to go back in to work tonight. As long as all goes well. There is something like a 30% chance of rain tonight so hopefully it won't storm too bad, although I would love to have the rain. It might even rain out the fireworks. That would suck but it would lessen the chances of me having to go back in to work.
My hot neighbor came over a little while ago to borrow an adjustable wrench. It seems that they are moving and needed to unhook the washer and dryer. Damn, that sucks. She had broken up with her boyfriend, who seemed like a slacker, and had the house on the market but then decided to not sell and make a try of it. Apparently she is leasing it out to some dude. She said he 'talks alot' but seems alright otherwise. I know I saw some creepy old dude nosing around yesterday afternoon. I guess that would be him.
Just what I need. Some creepy old fucker living next door. Hell, he's probably a perfectly nice guy. Might even be a blogger (are they nice?) that will get offended. Just let the fucker mess with my girls and I'll be feeding him his fucking scrotum. I guess once I find out his name I'll have to get online and check the dude out. Damn I hate getting new neighbors...Just as long as this guy isn't some type of pedophile we'll be just fine.
This Garbage Spewed by Richard on July 4, 2008 4:17 PM
Apparently the government has denied U.K. performer and DJ Boy George a visa to enter the United States. Immigration is reporting that they denied the visa because George is facing trial in November in London on charges of false imprisonment from back in April of 2007.
Back in August of 2007 he spent five days cleaning up the streets of Manhattan in order to fulfill his community service for falsely reporting a break-in at his New York home.
Seems kind of stupid to me. It's not as if he's going to hide a bomb up his ass or something, although as someone that likes to whitewash the back 40 I guess you never know...
We noticed this thing lying in the driveway yesterday morning so of course I had to go out and get a picture. By the time I left yesterday evening the damned thing was pretty nasty.
There is an area outside of my parking lot between the main road and the restaurant that sinks down and a culvert is at the bottom. It's pretty overgrown and I'm sure the damned thing crawled out of there. I don't know but it was pretty big and looked poisonous. Anyone know what kind of snake it is?
It's nice to be able to carry a camera around besides my phone. While I have to wait until I get home to post photos, they are much better. It will be cool when phone cameras eventually catch up to the high resolution of some of the pocket cameras around. Speaking of which, the wife and girls got me a Nikon Coolpix for Father's Day. I still love my Canon but I am able to keep this thing in my pocket all og the time so I can get decent pictures of stuff to blog on.
I was looking through my server logs and one of the Google searches that brought someone here earlier was things stick up ass. Apparently in Canada I am number 10 out of almost two million for things stick up ass. At least the entry I just linked to. It consists of four or five very short sentences I penned back in 2004. I was actually just linking to another site.
It got me to thinking pretty seriously though about things you shouldn't stick up your ass. I should write about it. What a great bit of community service that would be, I mean lots of sites have pictures of things that have been stuck up other people's butts but really, how many web sites have a list of things you shouldn't stick up your butt?
I suppose there are several but I will attempt to address some of them myself.
Old fashioned glass coke bottles - They may be all smooth and easy going in but those curves just lie. Once it goes in it never comes back out and really, what happens when you sit down? Broken green bottle in your ass.
Gerbils - Just ask a certain old actor who shall remain nameless here. *cough* richard gere *cough*. fuck it, I lied.
Balloons - While it might seem really funny to watch someone try to inflate one of these guys with their flatulence the backdraft can suck these bad boys in and really mess you up. Just say no!
Ben gay or any other heat rub - BAD fucking news. You just thought it was bad when you got it on your balls...
Golf Balls - while they might seem like little ben-wa balls those little indentations would tend to collect feces and other stuff and then just get stuck in your anal sphincter and lodge there until your ass explodes.
Pencils - Two words. Lead Poisoning.
Velociman - While it's certainly a job I doubt it's the one he's looking for.
A professional Model - Remember that plugin I recently said I use. You know, they one that suggests tags, keywords, related entries and photos while I am typing a blog post? It's called Zemanta. What the fuck does that have to do with all this? It suggested a photo called Anus of a Professional Model. It's at fucking wikipedia. Go search for it if you don't believe me.
A 21 year old woman - Now it's suggesting a photograph of the anus of a 21 year old woman. While I might find it enjoyable to explore the anus of a 21 year old woman intimately I don't think I want to include it here. Besides, if you stick a 21 year old woman up your butt what would the wife say?
Ants - They bite.
Watermelon seeds - remember when your dad would lie to you and tell you that if you swallow the seeds you would end up with a watermelon in your belly? Imagine the vine growing out of your asshole.
Richard Gere - Worse than the hamster. really.
Loaded Firearms - The clench would be the hard part.
Raisinets - While they might look like dingleberries, don't be fooled.
What ever happened to men behaving like men and women behaving like women? I'm not talking about women's lib or any other sexist claptrap. That's not what I am referring to at all, it's just the first thing that came to mind. What I am referring to is why aren't humankind more kind? Why aren't neighbors neighborly any more? Why are we a nation of fucking pussies that are more concerned with what we are comfortable with and not hurting other people's feelings to the point where other people could be getting fucked in the ass right in front of us in the middle of the street and we would avert our eyes and those of our children because we aren't "comfortable" with it rather than saying "hey dude, why the fuck are you fucking him up the ass? It don't look like he's enjoying it very much."
Don't believe me? Just ask Angel Torres in Hartford, Connecticut from the video below...
Never heard of Angel Torres? Me neither until today. He's the retired fork-lift operator who went to buy a gallon of milk at the grocery store Friday afternoon and got hit by some jackass chasing another car in Hartford. That kind of stuff sucks but unfortunately it happens. We all hope it just doesn't happen to us and that either we just have to read about it or that we are the ones that get to help out the victim. Therein lies the problem. Nobody could be bothered to help out Angel Torres and it wasn't a case of people not noticing it or seeing him lying there in the middle of the street. It's a bit hard to deny what a bunch of fucking scumbag pussies the people in Hartford are when it's all on video.
I found a link to the story at CNN and according to what one witness, Bryant Hayre, told the Hartford Courant he didn't feel comfortable helping Torres who was bleeding and conscious. Didn't feel fucking comfortable? Mr Hayre, I've got to tell you, you are one of the biggest pussies I have read or heard about in quite some time not counting several million other liberal pussy fucking democrats of which I am now sure you must be one. Who the fuck else waits for the government to come help the dude that's lying broken and bleeding on the street instead of rendering aid while you are waiting but the mommy mentality that has invaded our goddamn pussified feeling society. Clam up your fucking feelings for a couple of minutes and do some good helping out other people for a change. Probably a damned queer to boot.
We are all so worried about 'feelings' that sometimes we forget how to be human. I was holding the door open for this woman that looked like she could kick my ass the other day and she looked at me as if I had two fucking heads. I wanted so badly to tell her "heck lady, I hold the door for everyone, even dudes, so save your goddam lesbian men-hating looks for someone else and take your thunder thighs on inside the fucking building." Then I realized she probably really would have kicked my ass so I just went on my merry way. It's not about being a male chauvinist, it's about being polite and while I will gladly admit to being in the club for male chauvinist pigs I will also gladly admit that there is plenty of shit that women can do even better than I can. I am very comfortable in admitting that but I also feel that being polite to others is a skill that some folks need to learn. Apparently they left politeness, friendliness and helpfulness out of the queer lesbian school of etiquette.
Oh, that's right, that's what the Boy Scouts teach. All I can say is that thank god I was a boy scout so I could learn something about being prepared, and that don't include carrying around a tube of fucking KY, but I digress...
I ran across this second news report from the AP this morning (Friday). Apparently the son of Angel Torres is asking the general public for help in identifying the driver of the car that hit his father leaving him paralyzed.
I suppose I can go back to posting some Disney pics now...
At the last minute (like after I had posted this) I decided to use it as my Odd Shots on Monday post. You can't get much more odd than the photo below...
I've done all kinds of funny stuff as a parent to entertain my children, not the least of which is to dress up. Normally it's just for Halloween and although I might claim it's for my kids I have just as much fun doing it.
When I posted about the Renaissance Festival I mentioned that we had picked up costumes. I already had the shirt but got a vest as well and have picked up the boot tops recently at some pirate costume shop online. The stuff isn't like high quality leather or anything but the price is right. Basically what you would pay at Wal-Mart for cheapo toys.
I am going to have to use some string or something to hold the damn boot tops up, either that or trade in the shorts for a pair of pants that I can tuck in. That would surely hold them up.
Go ahead and laugh. I am thinking about putting this on at the top of my sidebar for awhile! By the way, if you are interested in participating in Odd Shots, go check out Katney's Kaboodle!
